breaking the habit

I think i just broke someone's heart.

January 17, 2008

The eve of the fiesta of Señor Sto Niño drove me past the tiresome and troublesome task of walking for four hours during the annual procession. I had to take detours so that i will be able to go through the mammoth crowd of devotees just to get to my destination. My destination was nowhere in particular except that i had to be with someone. The network was troublesome, too. A little bit more and i was going to be mad. I constantly texted and called Chatty so that i may locate and be with her. It gave me a hard time, really. But after the long wait, there she was.

As we were going to join the crowd, she held my hand, and i her. I was comfortable, she wasn't. Her hand was cold. It was as if she wasn't sure of what she was doing. I held on.

During the procession, I prayed for my family's finances that it will be doing good because i wanted to buy a laptop worth 35k. I also prayed for my studies that everything will turn out excellent. I prayed for my family and I prayed for Chatty. I was like, "Lord, I know that it is always up to you. But i think that you wouldn't be able to do anything unless i pray for it. So here i am, praying for Chatty. She is a nice lady and she's just like my mother except for the cooking. Dear God, please answer. In Jesus' name i pray. Amen."

In the back of my mind, i was also thinking of Mia. We were in an unstable position wherein we were in love but at the same time also tentative. Gash! What would it be?! I was weighing the possibilities. Mia was pretty, yes, i like that but that's the problem She's too pretty. And boys were flocking her from all parts of the globe.

And something hit me. Nara Shikamaru, a friend of Uzumaki Naruto (I'm a fan), said before his near-death experience or something like this, "I wish to be a ninja and have a job. Marry a woman who is not beautiful nor ugly. Have two children with her, a boy and a girl. I will retire from my ninja work after my son has a job and my daughter has married. And i will play chess in my entire life until i grow old and die. That is my wish." Or something like that. But the point is, nothing is permanent in this world and we must live it simply and not make it complicated, else it will become too troublesome.

When the procession almost came to an end, "I love you, will you be my girlfriend?" I've known Chatty for only over three months. We have not met often but we communicate everyday. She helps me, i help her. We've been through ups and a lotta downs. We encourage, laugh, and talk endlessly may it be sensible or not. "I cannot answer you yet, lemme think about it," she said. "I'll take that as a yes," i thought. We wave goodbye, smiling.

And the problem came when we part ways. What about the other girl? Will i tell her or not? if not, i cannot keep her hopes high. I don't want the punishment of eternal death. I decided to tell her the day after.

After a short talk, she said that it was a good thing that i told her so that she will not hope for anything that involves intimacy between her and me. The next morning, she gave me something, a necklace with the name JOHMIAN. I said thank you and watch her go.

Outside my window, i continually watched her. I think she was about to cry but she mustered all her strength not to. I promised her that i won't make her cry. Now, i think i broke her heart.